#
# zippy -- infobot module for Zippy the Pinhead quotes
-# hacked up by Rich Lafferty (mendel) <rich@vax2.concordia.ca>
+# hacked up by Rich Lafferty (mendel) <rich@vax2.concordia.ca>
#
# Data gratuitously swiped from fortune-mod-9708, the 'fortune' program.
#
package zippy;
+use strict;
+
my $no_zippy; # Can't think of any situation in which this won't work..
-sub zippy::get {
- unless (@yows) { # read data unless it's been read already.
- print "Reading...\n";
- while (<DATA>) {
- chomp;
- push @yows, $_;
- }
+sub zippy::get {
+ my @yows;
+ &::DEBUG('Reading zippy data');
+ while (<DATA>) {
+ chomp;
+ push @yows, $_;
}
-
+
if ($no_zippy) { # ..but just in case :-)
- return "YOW! I'm an INFOBOT without ZIPPY!" if $main::addressed;
+ return "YOW! I'm an INFOBOT without ZIPPY!" if $::addressed;
}
-
+
+ srand(); # fork seems to not change rand. force it here
my $yow = $yows[rand(@yows)];
&::performStrictReply($yow);
in the REMAKE of "TOPKAPI" ... Go home to your WIFE ... She's making
FRENCH TOAST!
+Zippy the Pinhead quotations
+(from various comic books and strips by Bill Griffith)
+
=head1 AUTHORS
Rich Lafferty (mendel) <rich@vax2.concordia.ca>
BARRY ... That was the most HEART-WARMING rendition of "I DID IT MY WAY" I've ever heard!!
Being a BALD HERO is almost as FESTIVE as a TATTOOED KNOCKWURST.
BELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot ...
-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI- ... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
+BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-
+... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
Bo Derek ruined my life!
Boy, am I glad it's only 1971...
Boys, you have ALL been selected to LEAVE th' PLANET in 15 minutes!!
First, I'm going to give you all the ANSWERS to today's test ... So just plug in your SONY WALKMANS and relax!!
FOOLED you! Absorb EGO SHATTERING impulse rays, polyester poltroon!! for ARTIFICIAL FLAVORING!!
Four thousand different MAGNATES, MOGULS & NABOBS are romping in my gothic solarium!!
-FROZEN ENTREES may be flung by members of opposing SWANSON SECTS ...
+FROZEN ENTREES may be flung by members of opposing SWANSON SECTS ...
FUN is never having to say you're SUSHI!!
Gee, I feel kind of LIGHT in the head now, knowing I can't make my satellite dish PAYMENTS!
Gibble, Gobble, we ACCEPT YOU ...
I have a very good DENTAL PLAN. Thank you.
I have a VISION! It's a RANCID double-FISHWICH on an ENRICHED BUN!!
I have accepted Provolone into my life!
-I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS..
+I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS..
... I have read the INSTRUCTIONS ...
-- I have seen the FUN --
I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ... I have read the INSTRUCTIONS ...
I'm having an emotional outburst!!
I'm having an EMOTIONAL OUTBURST!! But, uh, WHY is there a WAFFLE in my PAJAMA POCKET??
I'm having BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS about the INSIPID WIVES of smug and wealthy CORPORATE LAWYERS ...
-I'm having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!! ...
+I'm having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!! ...
I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a KOSHER DELI
I'm in direct contact with many advanced fun CONCEPTS.
I'm into SOFTWARE!
If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun!
If Robert Di Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will Jodie Foster marry Bonzo??
In 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a "Continental Belt," for $10.99!!
-In Newark the laundromats are open 24 hours a day!
+In Newark the laundromats are open 24 hours a day!
INSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as LUCY RICARDO!!
Inside, I'm already SOBBING!
Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship? Or are we suffering in Safeway?
Is this the line for the latest whimsical YUGOSLAVIAN drama which also makes you want to CRY and reconsider the VIETNAM WAR?
Isn't this my STOP?!
It don't mean a THING if you ain't got that SWING!!
-It was a JOKE!! Get it?? I was receiving messages from DAVID LETTERMAN!!
-YOW!!
+It was a JOKE!! Get it?? I was receiving messages from DAVID LETTERMAN!! YOW!!
It's a lot of fun being alive ... I wonder if my bed is made?!?
It's NO USE ... I've gone to "CLUB MED"!!
It's OBVIOUS ... The FURS never reached ISTANBUL ... You were an EXTRA in the REMAKE of "TOPKAPI" ... Go home to your WIFE ... She's making FRENCH TOAST!
Jesuit priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!
Jesus is my POSTMASTER GENERAL ...
Kids, don't gross me off ... "Adventures with MENTAL HYGIENE" can be carried too FAR!
-Kids, the seven basic food groups are GUM, PUFF PASTRY, PIZZA, PESTICIDES, ANTIBIOTICS, NUTRA-SWEET and MILK DUDS!!
+Kids, the seven basic food groups are GUM, PUFF PASTRY, PIZZA, PESTICIDES, ANTIBIOTICS, NUTRA-SWEET and MILK DUDS!!
Laundry is the fifth dimension!! ... um ... um ... th' washing machine is a black hole and the pink socks are bus drivers who just fell in!!
LBJ, LBJ, how many JOKES did you tell today??!
Leona, I want to CONFESS things to you ... I want to WRAP you in a SCARLET ROBE trimmed with POLYVINYL CHLORIDE ... I want to EMPTY your ASHTRAYS ...
Mary Tyler Moore's SEVENTH HUSBAND is wearing my DACRON TANK TOP in a cheap hotel in HONOLULU!
Maybe we could paint GOLDIE HAWN a rich PRUSSIAN BLUE --
MERYL STREEP is my obstetrician!
-MMM-MM!! So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION!
+MMM-MM!! So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION!
Mmmmmm-MMMMMM!! A plate of STEAMING PIECES of a PIG mixed with the shreds of SEVERAL CHICKENS!! ... Oh BOY!! I'm about to swallow a TORN-OFF section of a COW'S LEFT LEG soaked in COTTONSEED OIL and SUGAR!! ... Let's see ... Next, I'll have the GROUND-UP flesh of CUTE, BABY LAMBS fried in the MELTED, FATTY TISSUES from a warm-blooded animal someone once PETTED!! ... YUM!! That was GOOD!! For DESSERT, I'll have a TOFU BURGER with BEAN SPROUTS on a stone-ground, WHOLE WHEAT BUN!!
Mr and Mrs PED, can I borrow 26.7% of the RAYON TEXTILE production of the INDONESIAN archipelago?
My Aunt MAUREEN was a military advisor to IKE & TINA TURNER!!
My mind is a potato field ...
My mind is making ashtrays in Dayton ...
My nose feels like a bad Ronald Reagan movie ...
-My NOSE is NUMB!
+My NOSE is NUMB!
... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!!
My pants just went to high school in the Carlsbad Caverns!!!
My polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift!
Now I'm concentrating on a specific tank battle toward the end of World War II!
Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beatiful, round wives of HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLASS CARS and being approached by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT ...
Now KEN and BARBIE are PERMANENTLY ADDICTED to MIND-ALTERING DRUGS ...
-Now my EMOTIONAL RESOURCES are heavily committed to 23% of the SMELTING and REFINING industry of the state of NEVADA!!
-Now that I have my "APPLE", I comprehend COST ACCOUNTING!!
+Now my EMOTIONAL RESOURCES are heavily committed to 23% of the SMELTING and REFINING industry of the state of NEVADA!!
+Now that I have my "APPLE", I comprehend COST ACCOUNTING!!
Now, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!!
Of course, you UNDERSTAND about the PLAIDS in the SPIN CYCLE --
Oh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!!
Once, there was NO fun ... This was before MENU planning, FASHION statements or NAUTILUS equipment ... Then, in 1985 ... FUN was completely encoded in this tiny MICROCHIP ... It contain 14,768 vaguely amusing SIT-COM pilots!! We had to wait FOUR BILLION years but we finally got JERRY LEWIS, MTV and a large selection of creme-filled snack cakes!
One FISHWICH coming up!!
ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.
-ONE: I will donate my entire "BABY HUEY" comic book collection to the downtown PLASMA CENTER ... TWO: I won't START a BAND called "KHADAFY & THE HIT SQUAD" ... THREE: I won't ever TUMBLE DRY my FOX TERRIER again!!
+ONE: I will donate my entire "BABY HUEY" comic book collection to the downtown PLASMA CENTER ... TWO: I won't START a BAND called "KHADAFY & THE HIT SQUAD" ... THREE: I won't ever TUMBLE DRY my FOX TERRIER again!!
... or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me in MIAMI last Tuesday?
-Our father who art in heaven ... I sincerely pray that SOMEBODY at this table will PAY for my SHREDDED WHAT and ENGLISH MUFFIN ... and also leave a GENEROUS TIP ....
+Our father who art in heaven ... I sincerely pray that SOMEBODY at this table will PAY for my SHREDDED WHAT and ENGLISH MUFFIN ... and also leave a GENEROUS TIP ....
over in west Philadelphia a puppy is vomiting ...
OVER the underpass! UNDER the overpass! Around the FUTURE and BEYOND REPAIR!!
PARDON me, am I speaking ENGLISH?
PUNK ROCK!! DISCO DUCK!! BIRTH CONTROL!!
Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
RELATIVES!!
-Remember, in 2039, MOUSSE & PASTA will be available ONLY by prescription!!
+Remember, in 2039, MOUSSE & PASTA will be available ONLY by prescription!!
RHAPSODY in Glue!
SANTA CLAUS comes down a FIRE ESCAPE wearing bright blue LEG WARMERS ... He scrubs the POPE with a mild soap or detergent for 15 minutes, starring JANE FONDA!!
Send your questions to ``ASK ZIPPY'', Box 40474, San Francisco, CA 94140, USA
Sometime in 1993 NANCY SINATRA will lead a BLOODLESS COUP on GUAM!!
Somewhere in DOWNTOWN BURBANK a prostitute is OVERCOOKING a LAMB CHOP!!
Somewhere in suburban Honolulu, an unemployed bellhop is whipping up a batch of illegal psilocybin chop suey!!
-Somewhere in Tenafly, New Jersey, a chiropractor is viewing "Leave it
-to Beaver"!
+Somewhere in Tenafly, New Jersey, a chiropractor is viewing "Leave it to Beaver"!
Spreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!! I wonder why?
-TAILFINS!! ... click ... Talking Pinhead Blues: Oh, I LOST my ``HELLO KITTY'' DOLL and I get BAD reception on channel TWENTY-SIX!!
-Th'HOSTESS FACTORY is closin' down and I just heard ZASU PITTS has been DEAD for YEARS.. (sniff)
-My PLATFORM SHOE collection was CHEWED up by th' dog, ALEXANDER HAIG won't let me take a SHOWER 'til Easter ... (snurf)
-So I went to the kitchen, but WALNUT PANELING whup me upside mah HAID!! (on no, no, no.. Heh, heh)
+TAILFINS!! ... click ...
+Talking Pinhead Blues: Oh, I LOST my ``HELLO KITTY'' DOLL and I get BAD reception on channel TWENTY-SIX!! Th'HOSTESS FACTORY is closin' down and I just heard ZASU PITTS has been DEAD for YEARS.. (sniff) My PLATFORM SHOE collection was CHEWED up by th' dog, ALEXANDER HAIG won't let me take a SHOWER 'til Easter ... (snurf) So I went to the kitchen, but WALNUT PANELING whup me upside mah HAID!! (on no, no, no.. Heh, heh)
TAPPING? You POLITICIANS! Don't you realize that the END of the "Wash Cycle" is a TREASURED MOMENT for most people?!
Tex SEX! The HOME of WHEELS! The dripping of COFFEE!! Take me to Minnesota but don't EMBARRASS me!!
Th' MIND is the Pizza Palace of th' SOUL
This PIZZA symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!!
This PORCUPINE knows his ZIPCODE ... And he has "VISA"!!
This TOPS OFF my partygoing experience! Someone I DON'T LIKE is talking to me about a HEART-WARMING European film ...
-Those aren't WINOS -- that's my JUGGLER, my AERIALIST, my SWORD
-SWALLOWER, and my LATEX NOVELTY SUPPLIER!!
+Those aren't WINOS -- that's my JUGGLER, my AERIALIST, my SWORD SWALLOWER, and my LATEX NOVELTY SUPPLIER!!
Thousands of days of civilians ... have produced a ... feeling for the aesthetic modules --
Today, THREE WINOS from DETROIT sold me a framed photo of TAB HUNTER before his MAKEOVER!
Toes, knees, NIPPLES. Toes, knees, nipples, KNUCKLES ... Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!! TONY RANDALL! Is YOUR life a PATIO of FUN??
We have DIFFERENT amounts of HAIR --
We just joined the civil hair patrol!
We place two copies of PEOPLE magazine in a DARK, HUMID mobile home. 45 minutes later CYNDI LAUPER emerges wearing a BIRD CAGE on her head!
-Well, here I am in AMERICA.. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I
-HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE ... EMOTIONS are SWEEPING over me!!
+Well, here I am in AMERICA.. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE ... EMOTIONS are SWEEPING over me!!
Well, I'm a classic ANAL RETENTIVE!! And I'm looking for a way to VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!
Well, I'm INVISIBLE AGAIN ... I might as well pay a visit to the LADIES ROOM ...
Well, O.K. I'll compromise with my principles because of EXISTENTIAL DESPAIR!
When I met th'POPE back in '58, I scrubbed him with a MILD SOAP or DETERGENT for 15 minutes. He seemed to enjoy it ...
When this load is DONE I think I'll wash it AGAIN ...
When you get your PH.D. will you get able to work at BURGER KING?
-When you said "HEAVILY FORESTED" it reminded me of an overdue CLEANING
-BILL ... Don't you SEE? O'Grogan SWALLOWED a VALUABLE COIN COLLECTION and HAD to murder the ONLY MAN who KNEW!!
+When you said "HEAVILY FORESTED" it reminded me of an overdue CLEANING BILL ... Don't you SEE? O'Grogan SWALLOWED a VALUABLE COIN COLLECTION and HAD to murder the ONLY MAN who KNEW!!
Where do your SOCKS go when you lose them in th' WASHER?
Where does it go when you flush?
Where's SANDY DUNCAN?
YOW!! Now I understand advanced MICROBIOLOGY and th' new TAX REFORM laws!!
YOW!! The land of the rising SONY!!
YOW!! Up ahead! It's a DONUT HUT!!
-YOW!! What should the entire human race DO?? Consume a fifth of
-CHIVAS REGAL, ski NUDE down MT. EVEREST, and have a wild SEX WEEKEND!
+YOW!! What should the entire human race DO?? Consume a fifth of CHIVAS REGAL, ski NUDE down MT. EVEREST, and have a wild SEX WEEKEND!
YOW!!! I am having fun!!!
Zippy's brain cells are straining to bridge synapses ...
projects / infobot.git / blobdiff